i'll just leave this here.

i hate my fucking self so much.
im literally always zoned out, i cant concentrate on anything, i dont ever feel like im alive anymore. just a mind trapped in this ugly ass body that does everything automatically.
everytime i try studying for a test or ANYTHING, no matter how hard and how much i study, i WILL FUCKING FAIL. i dont even need to ever know what i get on a test, because i already know i failed. i fail at being a good student like i've been desperately trying to be for the past five years. i've been failing at being a good daughter, even if im trying to be better, most likely parents will either make fun of me or tell me to stop trying because i'll fuck everything up anyway, so why try. i fail at being a good friend, there's ALWAYS something i do that makes people say im a bitch or im mean, or stop talking to me, even though i try and try and still i keep losing people. others can do the same thing i do but no one decides to just leave them alone. i have very few friends, and im starting to think there is something wrong with them because they keep putting up with such a fucked up bitch as myself. i fail at being a good girlfriend, i fuck something up and he'll always be the one understanding and im honestly not sure why anyone so nice and sweet ever like me because im a goddamn failure and i can do very few things right. i am always wrong and i cant stand myself, and just because im always mentally not here anymore is the reason im no longer thinking about suicide 24/7.
i always look like i dont give a single damn, im always pissed off because i can no longer hide just about how much i hate myself and how i interact with everything that comes my way.
so many times, for so many fucking years i've been trying to improve. how am i doing so far? im more of a failure than ever before. im not sure what else i can do besides just lay back and continue burning, crying my fucking half-blind eyes out. i've been trying for so long i dont want to try anymore. i'll fail again and again anyway.
everyone gets the impression of me that im a violent little mean child with a attitude of not caring about anything. i care about everything. im sick of people making those assumptions before knowing how much i hate the person that i am.
there are only three things that are keeping me from doing anything to myself. everything else just keeps drowning me in a pool of failure and insanity.